Darkest Hour
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Mulder deals with his loss, and finds new hope.


Title: Darkest Hour  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classification: Mulder Angst; Romance (Mulder/Scully)  
  
Written: April 16- April 23, 2001  
  
Spoilers: "Within/Without"; "This is Not Happening"; "DeadAlive"  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files. You know who it belongs to? A surfer dude named Chris Carter! Can you believe that? And a fine job he's done of messing it up too. I'm just trying to un-screw up some of his screw ups. *sigh* What that translates to, is it all belong to Chris Carter, surfer dude, Ten Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX.  
  
Summary: Mulder deals with his loss, and finds new hope.  
  
Author's Notes: Since this show is "not about Mulder and Scully's personal lives and feelings"(Chris Carter- who is full of it, because that's what it started out about!), I decided to explore that which they would not on the show. Which I think is a HUGE mistake on their part, but I just can't get into this here, or it would wind up being longer than the story. *deep, calming breath* Okay.  
***********************************************************************  
  
He was having them again. The flashbacks. The awful, haunting, excruciating memories of what they'd done to him.  
  
He closed his eyes against the light, the pain. Why were they pulling at his cheeks? Why was the small, circular, buzzing saw coming at him again?  
  
He shuddered and opened his eyes as he cried out her name.  
  
"Scuuuuullyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!"  
  
Mulder jumped at the sound of his own voice. He was reliving it again, had been for days. He buried his face in his hands, trying to clear his mind. They hit at the strangest times, times when he wasn't even thinking about it.  
  
They'd taken six months of his life from him, and he didn't know how to deal with that. As long as everyone was trying to treat him normal, he tried to act normal. But alone, in his own apartment, he felt the loss, he felt permanently out of the loop, and completely disconnected from the entire world. Even his precious Scully.  
  
He'd thought at least *they'd* be normal, but it hadn't turned out that way.  
  
Nothing was the same anymore, and as he sat alone in the dark he wondered if he could ever pick up any of the pieces, or if he'd feel eternally lost.  
  
"Mulder?" he heard, and his head snapped up.  
  
"Scully? What are you doing here?" he asked.  
  
"I, uh, I got worried, Mulder," she sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone. You need people right now. You need me, and I haven't been here for you. I need you. Do you know how I missed you?" she half-whispered, her voice breaking.  
  
"Yes, because I missed you that much. And I missed you that much when they took you."  
  
Mulder's eyes held unimaginable pain and sadness, the likes of which no one should have to carry inside of them.  
  
Scully saw that pain, and as she walked over to the couch where he sat, her eyes began to fill again. In the last six months she'd cried more times than she could ever count. But now, as she'd grieved for him when she thought he was dead, she grieved with him for what he'd been through and what he'd lost.  
  
Easing herself down onto the couch next to him, she faced him as best she could and took both of his hands in hers.  
  
"Mulder, there's something I haven't told you," she said, trying to blink back her tears. "When you were gone, I had dreams. . . or something. I saw you, I saw how they tortured you, and I was helpless to do anything. I can't explain it," she paused as hot, wet tears streamed down her face, " but I saw you in that awful chair, and it haunted me because I didn't know if it was real or just my imagination. And then we found you, and I knew it had to be real from your injuries."  
  
She let go of one of his hands and touched the still lingering scars on his cheek.  
  
"I just don't know how things will ever be the same, but I'm going to be here for you, Mulder, no matter what."  
  
Mulder's eyes were shining as he brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed the back of it. Then he gathered her in his arms, and let all of his pent up tears free.  
  
Scully held onto him for dear life as sobs racked his entire body, and all the while he was repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again.  
  
"Shhh, you don't have anything to be sorry about, Mulder. It's okay."  
  
It felt so good for both of them to have their arms around each other again.  
  
"I haven't been here," he said into her shoulder, moving one hand onto her belly. He pulled back to find that her tear soaked face mirrored his own, and asked, "How?"  
  
Scully put her hand over his.  
  
"I need to know," he insisted.  
  
"It's yours," she whispered, and looked into his eyes to gauge his reaction.  
  
Relief washed over him at first, and then a peaceful look settled over his features. But Scully could still see the pain in his eyes, and she didn't know if anything would rid him of that anytime soon.  
  
"I didn't know, Scully. I didn't dare hope," he said as a slight smile touched his lips. He lovingly ran a hand over her belly, and the baby gave a sharp kick.  
  
"Ooh!" Scully exclaimed. "It's apparently as enthusiastic as it's father."  
  
"It? You don't know the sex yet?"  
  
Scully shook her head.  
  
"What do you want it to be?" he asked.  
  
"I don't care, Mulder. I think it's too wonderful to be carrying a child at all to care what it is. I've had my share of problems with this pregnancy, so I just hope he or she is healthy."  
  
Mulder embraced her again, this time just taking in the feel of her warm body, reveling in the human contact he never knew how much he'd miss till it was gone and he was cold and naked, sprawled out in a horrible metal chair.  
  
"Oh God, Scully, I missed you. You were all I thought about. I would call out your name, and I swear I'd see them smirk. You were the only thing that kept me alive as long as I was."  
  
"I heard you, Mulder. I don't know how, but I did."  
  
"I'm sorry for what you had to go through."  
  
"It doesn't matter, Mulder, really. You went through far worse, and I got you back. None of this is your fault, and we're together now. That's all that matters."  
  
She pulled back and looked into his sad hazel eyes. She smoothed the hair back from his forehead, and ran her hands down the sides of his face, stroking her thumbs over his lower lip.  
  
"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" she asked.  
  
"Why would I? The nightmares are bad enough while I'm awake."  
  
"Oh my God, you remember everything?"  
  
"Let's just say it seems to be coming back to me."  
  
She ruffled his hair like a little boy's and kissed his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, and finally his lips.  
  
He let himself indulge in this little fantasy for just a moment, and then he pulled back to look into her eyes.  
  
"You know what happened the last time we were in a situation like this."  
  
Scully looked down at her middle. "I don't think that's going to happen again," she said, a slight smile on her lips.  
  
"Uh, yeah," Mulder replied, all of the sudden slightly uncomfortable.  
  
"What's the matter, Mulder?" Scully asked, feeling the change in his mood.  
  
"I'm just not sure where I stand anymore, Scully. Before I was taken I thought I knew, and now. . . now I really don't. Maybe you could clear that up for me."  
  
Friends or lovers is what I mean, he thought. But how's she gonna take it?  
  
"I wasn't just using you for this, Mulder," she said, indicating her swollen abdomen. "And you should know me well enough to know that. I would never do what we did if my heart wasn't in it. And I would hope you wouldn't either."  
  
Trying to think through the euphoric fog created by her response, he whispered, "Never."  
  
"Then you know where you stand. Where *we* stand. I know you worried about what happened while you were gone. But Agent Doggett's been a decent partner, a little overbearing at times, but I don't think he's used to working with women," she smiled. "And he had my back and he helped me find you. But he didn't replace you, Mulder. I respect him, but I don't love him. I could never love him, because I've loved this other partner of mine too long," she said with a coy look on her face.  
  
"Oh? And who would that be?"  
  
But she continued on as if he'd said nothing. "And if he hadn't been through so much already and if I weren't so pregnant, I'd beat him up for not knowing that in the first place. Because he should have. Don't you think?" she finished.  
  
"I think he did," he sighed. "But he was too busy being territorial and jealous to realize it. I am sorry about that, Scully. That was my fault."  
  
"I know," she laughed. "But I'll forgive you because you were thrown into unfamiliar surroundings, and I wasn't any help, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Now that we're clear on that, why don't we both try to get some sleep? If you think you can," Scully said worriedly.  
  
"I think if you're staying and knowing what I know now, maybe I can manage," Mulder said, helping her off the couch and leading her into the bedroom.  
  
The End 


End file.
